2 Questions

[blueeowyn]

I just received word that person close to me is getting divorced. I also recently received word that another person close to me has just had a long term relationship terminated (multiple years with the person). I also have a couple of friends who are recently in the dating scene (for various reasons) and want to see them happy and safe.

So, I figured I would ask y'all for advice/opinions. Anonymous comments are screened by default but will be unscreened if appropriate and on-topic.

Question the first
If you were involved in the ending of a serious relationship (as the dumpee, the dumper, the recipient of bad stuff (abuse, cheating, stealing, whatever), etc.), what (if anything) could your friends/family/support network do to help you through it? Would you prefer to be left alone? Would you prefer to have calls? Emails? Help packing you? Him/Her? The uzi?

I know that everyone is different and I know the sorts of things *I* tend to do depend on how close to the person I am and who that person is (some people need one thing, some need another).

Question the second
What is the best way to avoid being in situations that lead to Question the First? Both as someone on the outside (how to tell your friends to NOT go out with X because X did Q to P in the past) AND as someone on the inside (for those of you who are in/have been in longer term relationships, how have you avoided the uglies? (Yes, I know that finding the right person and staying with that person is the answer but this is more how can you be sure you have the right person ... I know how easy it is to make mistakes in this area ... really I do).

Comments

[wilhelmina-d.livejournal.com]

Question the first - I would want help packing, lots of chocolate and someone who just lets me blubber on their shoulder.

Question the second - if anyone really knew the answer to that they'd probably be bigger than Dr Phil. :) Seriously, though, I don't know. Himself and I have had hard times - big differences of opinion, very hurt feelings, arguements, etc - but never what I'd consider the uglies (cheating, abuse). I don't know what I'd do.

To avoid the uglies communication, communication, communication. It's the hardest thing. Especially since I'm sure we all think we communicate just fine. That and trust. Without trust there is no love. Sometimes you've just gotta jump off the ledge and believe in someone. Not the easiest thing to do.

[blueeowyn.livejournal.com]

Part of Question the Second is HOW do you know who to trust? I mean, I know (in hindsight) that I should have dropped Jerk1stClass very quickly but I was stupid.

And how can you tell someone that the person they are planning to date has a really bad history or whatever (I know someone who was furious that her friends didn't tell her that "wonderful guy" had a history in a tangental circle of love-em; leave-em ... not that I think she would have listened had she been told).

[wilhelmina-d.livejournal.com]

In my opinion (should I capitalize that? :) you categorically should not tell someone that the person they're interested in is bad/wrong for them. Unless you have physical evidence of immediate danger the person is in, and then are willing to lose the friendship over the issue. I've *never* seen a situation where any good's come out of that. Even when the advice is asked for, I've never seen it turn out good.

As for how to tell who to trust, I have to agree with dacuteturtlebelow. You can't know. You have to make your mistakes and learn from them. Gee, x used to do y and he turned out bad. Maybe if z is doing y, too, he won't be so good.

[dacuteturtle.livejournal.com]

If living seperately, I just prefer being left alone, and letting have the occasional rant when it mood struck me. If moving out, I'd want a passel of logistical help. And if she was moving out, I'd still want my friends to give a passel of logistical help.

As to the second question, first you must accept that dating and mating is inherently risky, and then accept that risk. That's about it. There are no guarantees, which I know sounds awful, but the more that you understand that, the more that the "magical" gets stripped away, leaving it up to you, and only you, to do what needs to be done.

Failure isn't a bad thing. Mistakes are not bad things. They are just failure and mistakes. You can't save a person from such things.

[amalphiea.livejournal.com]

Well since this just happened to me quite recently, I found it really helpful that all of my friends came to help with everything and they all checked on me daily. Sometimes I didn't feel like talking so I just let them know that and they understood.

Communication is a big thing. You never know who to trust until you get to know someone. So take your time, listen to what the other person is doing and saying. Don't ignore the signs, if the person doesn't want to talk, or let you know what is going on in their head they probably never will.

[selkiesiren.livejournal.com]

This may be redundant...I always answer these things *before* I read others responses. It just seems that you'll get more of a real answer that way...anyway.

Question the first:
It really all depends on the *specific* circumstance. And, I don't mean from friend to friend. I mean, the specific circumstance with *this* particular friend. For me, empathy and understanding are the main things. But, in one case, when the prig in question not only dissed me, but did so by chasing other women *AT MY JOB* and in my full view (and wound up with *both* of the women in question after the fact, so my "perceptions" were spot on), it would have been real nice if my friends had been a little more supportive when I decided I wanted nothing to do with the asshole. Thankfully, he maintained in form from there, and wound up dissing yet another of my friends/co-workers, and has since earned the ousting from our close periphery.

But, if asked about the break up immediately before that one, I would have said that all I really needed was to go out and have a good time. Spend some time with friends, get the positive endorphins flowing.

So, to make a very long story slightly longer, I think asking the individual is the best thing to do.

Question the second:
As someone on the outside, there is little that can be done. People make their choices often flying in the face of a *huge* amount of evidence that says they should not. And, sometimes, they blame the messenger.

I can't tell anyone else how to avoid ugliness in relationships. I only know what worked for me. One day...while with the "prig" as mentioned in question #1, I woke up and said; "Ya know? This is *SHIT*. I am worth more than this. I *DO NOT* have to take this crap. My life can be good *without* a relationship, especially *this* one". And I moved out that very day. Got my bags packed, told him what an insufferable, selfish bastard he had been, and left. I vowed from that point on that life was not going to be about "having a relationship". That I could be happy just as a Mom and a friend. That my life did not have to be defined by being someones mate. When I first started dating my Husband (nearly a year after this other split), I told him right up front that I was not looking for a relationship. I set boundaries...I told him what I was about, and told him he needed to be real, because the first sign of BS, and that would be that.

The thing I think that matters here is the context of my thoughts. That I was working on me...that others needed to take care of themselves. That I was not 'completed' by having someone in my life. It was my own mindset that made the difference.

And, 5 years later, we're still doing well. Not a long period in the scheme of things, but for me, it means an awful lot. I have never had a relationship that remained positive after even a single year.

So, to make another long story even longer, I think the key to a successful and healthy relationship isn't the person you're with...it's the person you *are*. Work on you...take care of you...don't be afraid to set boundaries...and, then, the right people will be attracted to you, and you to them.

[cozit.livejournal.com]

Whatever you decide about that second question... also realize that it doesn't matter *what* you say to *who*. You can try... but that's all you can do.

(For the record, I know that at least 5 of us talked to Brad (used to be "Master McPherson") the week before his wedding... after thinking long and hard about whether we should or not... all done separately, without knowing that the others were going to or had talked to him. Didn't help... Sometimes it just doesn't)