Weddings and Marriages
Jul. 5th, 2007 05:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blueeowynThis is a companion piece to the Friendship one I just posted (http://blueeowyn.livejournal.com/237189.html). As I have said repeatedly, your spouse should be one of your best friends if not the best friend. However, your spouse should not be your only friend. This is another one of the posts that has been in progress for some time and I have gotten tired of fiddling with it.
Missysedai wrote a while back that really resonated with me. Part of what she posted (quoted with permission) is:
"A wedding and a marriage are two completely different things, but some people tend to mash the two together. Bah. Marriage is what happens when you get rid of the last guest and get down to the business of learning to live with each other - warts, bad habits, differing viewpoints and all.
We don't get all fairy-tale about it. We were fed the line, [...] man is the king of his castle traditional marriage bullshit [...]. Marriage isn't romantic, it's hard work."
I see so many people focused on the "Wedding" that they forget the marriage. Granted, getting ready for 'The Wedding' aka 'The Big Day' can be a test of the relationship, I do wonder how many people go through with the marriage even when they have doubts because to cancel The Wedding at the last minute could be viewed as rude/boorish/selfish/wasteful/whatever. And how far down the road to The Wedding does canceling it become a non-option for some people. I have heard 'jokes' that 'we agreed that whomever said no first, the other gets all the presents,' and I think that is NOT a laughing matter (or a reason to go through with a bad marriage).
People spend a huge amount of money putting on big weddings and unfortunately, sometimes the bills for these lavish productions outlast the marriage and I find that sad. I know of people who have had fancy weddings and been happy. I know of people who have had small scale weddings and been happy. The bottom line of the day is that you are married. I have also seen/heard people in both camps who really regretted getting married (and some who regretted wasting the time/energy/$ on the huge production).
Personally, I would rather spend the plane ticket money, buy the stupid dress, etc. to go to a wedding that is canceled on the day of rather than see someone I was close enough to to go to the wedding get into an ill-advised marriage.
People will say that 'It will all work out because we love each other' and love is a large part of a marriage but that isn't all, esp. not the romantic love that some people mistake for what I would call Love. (And do NOT get me started on the 'SO will change once we are married' garbage). Romantic love is very nice and it is very special but unless it has a companion love of a good and trusted friend whom you respect and who respects you; it should not be the foundation of a marriage.
Your spouse should be your friend, your beloved, your support, part of your team, and the one you support and join on their team. If you are asked to marry someone (or are tempted to ask someone to marry you), can you honestly and truly say that you love him/her? That you know him/her? That you trust him/her completely? That you respect him/her? That you are both willing and able to work through the stresses of a relationship? That you are willing to not hit below the belt in a fight? That you can talk with him/her about anything? That the other person feels the same way about you? Unless you can answer positively to all of these, you should not get engaged (and definitely shouldn't get married!).
I have often said that I think that people should know each other for at least 6 months before becoming engaged and knowledge and engagement should be at least 1 year (preferably more) before the wedding. I have no problem with a short engagement (let's face it, due to family blocks my engagement was only 8 months, we had originally been looking at a date 6 weeks later but had to reschedule twice). However, we had been dating for several years before becoming engaged and had been friends for several months before starting to date. If you have to rush to keep the person, you don't really have the person, now do you?
I'm sure that the people will come out of the woodwork "well, so-and-so got engaged after knowing _ for 3 weeks and they are still together" and that can be true. People can get very lucky. People can also be royally hurt by the rush. There are many people who get married out of pressure (family asking "when", desire to have a family, fear of being alone, desire to show themselves worthy, fear of losing the person) or who are so in love that they can't see anything but the fabulous in their beloved; and I hate to break it to them but no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws and foibles. If your beloved has no flaws/foibles/challenges, you haven't looked hard enough.
There are some very scary people out there and they can be very charming up front and can temporarily mold themselves into what they think your ideal is; but given time, their true behaviors will come through. There are lots of articles out there about the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship; that time when you always wear nice clothes, use your company manners, etc.. But that isn't keeping true to the day-to-day aspects of a relationship. I don't love Java any less just because I have seen him thoroughly covered in mud (heck, I might love him more). I know he has seen some good things from me and some not so good things. We had some disagreements while dating and we found out that we could work through them together and that it strengthened our relationship. With one of my ex-SOs there was no working it out, it was his way or the proverbial highway. That relationship would fail some of my tests and I learned from it (and decided I deserved better than that ... and boy did I get it).
This is not to say that marriage is bad. I love Java and I respect him. There are things that he does that annoy me, but I knew that going into the marriage and I accept him for who he is. I can guarantee you that there are things that I do that annoy him. For some things, we work out a compromise that works for both of us. It doesn't matter to me that I don't understand his ability to play chess at 3:00 in the morning (at 3:00am, I want to be studying the inside of my eyelids); it does matter that I know that he does enjoy it and I like hearing about the game when I get up and I like that he gets time with his friends doing it. He goes and plays chess, I go to sleep. It works for us.
The symbol for a wedding is the two rings overlapping a bit and that is key. There must be room for your individuality in your relationship or it is doomed. Some people think that they have to choose between their spouse (current or future) and friends of the same sex. No one makes you choose. You choose to choose. You make your own ; you could choose to be open, honest and caring or to be ignoring, and demeaning of feelings. So can your SO. If you choose to give your SO control over who you can talk to/visit with; you are making a bad choice. Both in keeping an SO who wants to control that AND in giving into that infantile, controlling, and demeaning behavior. "But s/he will think I'm cheating on him/her", Puh-Lease; if your SO is that unsure of YOUR fidelity/trustworthiness; your relationship has a lot of other problems going on. How and what you choose says a lot about you and about your relationship.
Are you a pairing or are you just tied together?
As Java and I had in our wedding http://blueeowyn.livejournal.com/31137.html (flocked)
This bond, this joining, is not meant to be a fetter. A joining is a partnership, not two people becoming one. [...] If two are foolish enough to try this, one must overwhelm the other, and that is not love, nor is it compassion, nor responsibility. You are two who choose to walk the same path, to bridge the differences between you with love. You must remember and respect those differences and learn to understand them, for they are part of what made you come to love in the first place. Love is patient, love is willing to compromise--love is willing to admit it is wrong. [...] There will be sadness as well as joy, and you must support one another through grief and sorrow. [...] Guide and be willing to be guided. Being joined does not mean that you accept that which is truly wrong; being joined means that you both must strive so that you both remain in the light.
[...]
You must not pledge yourselves thinking that there will be no strife between you. That is fantasy, for you are two and not one, and there will inevitably come conflict that it will be up to you to resolve. You must not pledge yourselves thinking that all will be well from this moment on. That is a dream, and dreamers must eventually wake. You must come to this joining fully ready, fully committed, and fully respectful of each other.
This is what I try to live by with my friend, my confidant, my support, my partner, my beloved, my husband. This is what marriage is. A wedding is a brief step in the relationship, a mere moment in time; and those who focus on the wedding or on getting married instead of focusing on the SO and the relationship are likely to be burned. I feel pity for them, however, I also feel disdain for many who 'should' have known better but let themselves be blinded by their own dreams or by expectations of others, or by the desire to be a 'true American with 2.1 children and a white picket fence'. Getting married for appearances is beyond stupid.
You should get married if and only if you can commit yourself in full honesty to supporting and respecting the other person and you know (not just believe, know) that the other person will support and respect you. That you are friends.
Missysedai wrote a while back that really resonated with me. Part of what she posted (quoted with permission) is:
"A wedding and a marriage are two completely different things, but some people tend to mash the two together. Bah. Marriage is what happens when you get rid of the last guest and get down to the business of learning to live with each other - warts, bad habits, differing viewpoints and all.
We don't get all fairy-tale about it. We were fed the line, [...] man is the king of his castle traditional marriage bullshit [...]. Marriage isn't romantic, it's hard work."
I see so many people focused on the "Wedding" that they forget the marriage. Granted, getting ready for 'The Wedding' aka 'The Big Day' can be a test of the relationship, I do wonder how many people go through with the marriage even when they have doubts because to cancel The Wedding at the last minute could be viewed as rude/boorish/selfish/wasteful/whatever. And how far down the road to The Wedding does canceling it become a non-option for some people. I have heard 'jokes' that 'we agreed that whomever said no first, the other gets all the presents,' and I think that is NOT a laughing matter (or a reason to go through with a bad marriage).
People spend a huge amount of money putting on big weddings and unfortunately, sometimes the bills for these lavish productions outlast the marriage and I find that sad. I know of people who have had fancy weddings and been happy. I know of people who have had small scale weddings and been happy. The bottom line of the day is that you are married. I have also seen/heard people in both camps who really regretted getting married (and some who regretted wasting the time/energy/$ on the huge production).
Personally, I would rather spend the plane ticket money, buy the stupid dress, etc. to go to a wedding that is canceled on the day of rather than see someone I was close enough to to go to the wedding get into an ill-advised marriage.
People will say that 'It will all work out because we love each other' and love is a large part of a marriage but that isn't all, esp. not the romantic love that some people mistake for what I would call Love. (And do NOT get me started on the 'SO will change once we are married' garbage). Romantic love is very nice and it is very special but unless it has a companion love of a good and trusted friend whom you respect and who respects you; it should not be the foundation of a marriage.
Your spouse should be your friend, your beloved, your support, part of your team, and the one you support and join on their team. If you are asked to marry someone (or are tempted to ask someone to marry you), can you honestly and truly say that you love him/her? That you know him/her? That you trust him/her completely? That you respect him/her? That you are both willing and able to work through the stresses of a relationship? That you are willing to not hit below the belt in a fight? That you can talk with him/her about anything? That the other person feels the same way about you? Unless you can answer positively to all of these, you should not get engaged (and definitely shouldn't get married!).
I have often said that I think that people should know each other for at least 6 months before becoming engaged and knowledge and engagement should be at least 1 year (preferably more) before the wedding. I have no problem with a short engagement (let's face it, due to family blocks my engagement was only 8 months, we had originally been looking at a date 6 weeks later but had to reschedule twice). However, we had been dating for several years before becoming engaged and had been friends for several months before starting to date. If you have to rush to keep the person, you don't really have the person, now do you?
I'm sure that the people will come out of the woodwork "well, so-and-so got engaged after knowing _ for 3 weeks and they are still together" and that can be true. People can get very lucky. People can also be royally hurt by the rush. There are many people who get married out of pressure (family asking "when", desire to have a family, fear of being alone, desire to show themselves worthy, fear of losing the person) or who are so in love that they can't see anything but the fabulous in their beloved; and I hate to break it to them but no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws and foibles. If your beloved has no flaws/foibles/challenges, you haven't looked hard enough.
There are some very scary people out there and they can be very charming up front and can temporarily mold themselves into what they think your ideal is; but given time, their true behaviors will come through. There are lots of articles out there about the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship; that time when you always wear nice clothes, use your company manners, etc.. But that isn't keeping true to the day-to-day aspects of a relationship. I don't love Java any less just because I have seen him thoroughly covered in mud (heck, I might love him more). I know he has seen some good things from me and some not so good things. We had some disagreements while dating and we found out that we could work through them together and that it strengthened our relationship. With one of my ex-SOs there was no working it out, it was his way or the proverbial highway. That relationship would fail some of my tests and I learned from it (and decided I deserved better than that ... and boy did I get it).
This is not to say that marriage is bad. I love Java and I respect him. There are things that he does that annoy me, but I knew that going into the marriage and I accept him for who he is. I can guarantee you that there are things that I do that annoy him. For some things, we work out a compromise that works for both of us. It doesn't matter to me that I don't understand his ability to play chess at 3:00 in the morning (at 3:00am, I want to be studying the inside of my eyelids); it does matter that I know that he does enjoy it and I like hearing about the game when I get up and I like that he gets time with his friends doing it. He goes and plays chess, I go to sleep. It works for us.
The symbol for a wedding is the two rings overlapping a bit and that is key. There must be room for your individuality in your relationship or it is doomed. Some people think that they have to choose between their spouse (current or future) and friends of the same sex. No one makes you choose. You choose to choose. You make your own ; you could choose to be open, honest and caring or to be ignoring, and demeaning of feelings. So can your SO. If you choose to give your SO control over who you can talk to/visit with; you are making a bad choice. Both in keeping an SO who wants to control that AND in giving into that infantile, controlling, and demeaning behavior. "But s/he will think I'm cheating on him/her", Puh-Lease; if your SO is that unsure of YOUR fidelity/trustworthiness; your relationship has a lot of other problems going on. How and what you choose says a lot about you and about your relationship.
Are you a pairing or are you just tied together?
As Java and I had in our wedding http://blueeowyn.livejournal.com/31137.html (flocked)
This bond, this joining, is not meant to be a fetter. A joining is a partnership, not two people becoming one. [...] If two are foolish enough to try this, one must overwhelm the other, and that is not love, nor is it compassion, nor responsibility. You are two who choose to walk the same path, to bridge the differences between you with love. You must remember and respect those differences and learn to understand them, for they are part of what made you come to love in the first place. Love is patient, love is willing to compromise--love is willing to admit it is wrong. [...] There will be sadness as well as joy, and you must support one another through grief and sorrow. [...] Guide and be willing to be guided. Being joined does not mean that you accept that which is truly wrong; being joined means that you both must strive so that you both remain in the light.
[...]
You must not pledge yourselves thinking that there will be no strife between you. That is fantasy, for you are two and not one, and there will inevitably come conflict that it will be up to you to resolve. You must not pledge yourselves thinking that all will be well from this moment on. That is a dream, and dreamers must eventually wake. You must come to this joining fully ready, fully committed, and fully respectful of each other.
This is what I try to live by with my friend, my confidant, my support, my partner, my beloved, my husband. This is what marriage is. A wedding is a brief step in the relationship, a mere moment in time; and those who focus on the wedding or on getting married instead of focusing on the SO and the relationship are likely to be burned. I feel pity for them, however, I also feel disdain for many who 'should' have known better but let themselves be blinded by their own dreams or by expectations of others, or by the desire to be a 'true American with 2.1 children and a white picket fence'. Getting married for appearances is beyond stupid.
You should get married if and only if you can commit yourself in full honesty to supporting and respecting the other person and you know (not just believe, know) that the other person will support and respect you. That you are friends.
